Ask the coach

Dear Coach,

My husband and I have been married for four and a half years. We conceived our first child soon after we got married and the second one came along 15 months later. Before the kids came, we had a good romantic life -- after the kids arrived, practically none. We love each other and are very invested and committed in our relationship to each other and our kids. We even go out on dates once a week and try to go out, just the two of us, during the week too, but our sexual/sensual relationship no longer exists.

I think this is because we are too tired and busy with baby duty most days and nights. So it doesn't leave much room for those wonderful romantic feelings we once had. Honestly, since I had my kids, I have no more libido. Even if you put the most attractive person in front of me, I would have no sexual desires. What do you make of that? Has our relationship changed forever, or do sexual feelings come back again? What can I do? What can we do?

- Susan from Sacramento

Murray responds ...

Susan,

You are describing a fairly common problem. It is not unusual that sexual feelings are submerged during early child-rearing. However, there is a way you are talking about sexuality that may be important to reexamine. You, like many people, describe sexual feeling passively -- that sexual feelings happen to you. However, sexual feeling is often created by what we do, by smallest of moves we make, whether conscious or unconscious.

I presume that you and your husband continue to feel good about each other and put much effort into raising your children and creating a home. Consider how much energy you put in to being good parents. How does that compare with the effort toward creating more romantic and sexy moments? It is great to go out regularly, however, this too, can become routinized. Consider how you relate to each other while out or while at home during the week.

Do you quietly flirt, create sexual tensions, or touch your partner in a way that would surprise your partner and maybe you? We may put much energy into this when first dating. Can you or your partner create some experience of newness, of positive tension and surprise that may eventually or even immediately create a sense of new kinds of sexual feelings for each other? It is possible. ​ ​​

- Murray 

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